我的許多學(xué)員都跟我講過(guò),，因?yàn)檫`心說(shuō)“是”最終帶來(lái)的后果。她們接受新工作,，對(duì)新的情人有求必應(yīng),，對(duì)著裝也不敢有異議。

“是”是一個(gè)強(qiáng)大的詞,，但“不”同樣能夠帶來(lái)力量。拒絕與你的計(jì)劃和目標(biāo)不一致的事情,，是在為對(duì)你而言重要的事情騰出空間并強(qiáng)化他們,。對(duì)背離目標(biāo)的事情說(shuō)“不”，可以為你的目標(biāo)創(chuàng)造空間,，并讓所有人知道,，你正在集中精力為實(shí)現(xiàn)這些目標(biāo)而努力,。

女性天生比男性更容易順從，她們害怕被人說(shuō)愛(ài)出風(fēng)頭,、傲慢專(zhuān)橫或者自私自利,，盡管她們實(shí)際上并非如此（但很少會(huì)有人用這些詞來(lái)形容男性），所以女性更難對(duì)其他人說(shuō)“不”,。我們只是習(xí)慣了逆來(lái)順受。但我們還是應(yīng)該學(xué)會(huì)拒絕,。你需要知道哪些事情可以接受（為實(shí)現(xiàn)目標(biāo)需要做的事情）,，而哪些事情應(yīng)該拒絕（浪費(fèi)時(shí)間或與目標(biāo)背道而馳的事情），這很重要,。

在制定計(jì)劃和目標(biāo)的時(shí)候說(shuō)“不”,，或者在恰當(dāng)?shù)恼Z(yǔ)境下和為了正確的目的說(shuō)“不”,，可以給你帶來(lái)強(qiáng)大的力量。尤其是在你不習(xí)慣拒絕的情況下,。堅(jiān)定的立場(chǎng)和得到認(rèn)可的選擇,，能夠讓你腎上腺素飆升（而且這還可以有效地抑制食欲）。

這也意味著你正在專(zhuān)心致力于眼前的事情,。

我發(fā)現(xiàn),，許多學(xué)員很難開(kāi)口說(shuō)“不”。如果她們認(rèn)為自己真正的想法會(huì)讓人不高興,，她們就會(huì)采取逃避的做法,，而不是去誠(chéng)實(shí)面對(duì)內(nèi)心的真實(shí)想法。她們擔(dān)心其他人會(huì)有不好的反應(yīng),，而自己將不得不面臨對(duì)方的怒火；而且你不想讓別人生氣……所以你會(huì)說(shuō)“是”,，這樣他們就不會(huì)生氣,，但結(jié)果，你不得不照顧他人的要求,，卻置自己的需求于不顧,，而代價(jià)則是你的生活陷入一團(tuán)糟,。

盡管如此，為了確保有正當(dāng)?shù)睦碛删芙^他人,，通常要把握好尺寸,。你或許并不想拒絕，但從邏輯上,，說(shuō)“是”是絕無(wú)可能的。面對(duì)這種情況,，你可以說(shuō)：“我今天可能不行,，明天怎么樣？”或者“這件事我無(wú)能為力,，不過(guò)我?guī)湍阕瞿羌略趺礃?？?

直接的回答還是“不”，但同時(shí)也向?qū)Ψ秸f(shuō)明,，你可以根據(jù)雙方的時(shí)間安排提供幫助。你給對(duì)方提供了替代選擇,，就好像你在早上,，給倔脾氣的孩子三件襯衫讓他選擇，而不是說(shuō)：“不行,，你不能穿那件,?！?

通過(guò)說(shuō)“不”給其他人一個(gè)選擇——因?yàn)槟惚仨毐苊饴淙霝槿偹硕f(shuō)“是”的陷阱，以免讓自己的生活陷入混亂,。否則,，你很快就會(huì)進(jìn)入一種“殉道模式”，你會(huì)出于一種所謂的責(zé)任感去做事情,，并利用它來(lái)逃避自己的需求和目標(biāo)。我的理論是,，巧妙地利用“是”和“不”這兩種回答,，無(wú)需為任何一種回答感到愧疚。

節(jié)選自史黛西?格里菲斯的《Two Turns From Zero》,。

譯者：劉進(jìn)龍/汪皓

So many of my students have told me about what happens when they finally say yes. Yes to the new job. Yes to the new beau. Yes to the dress.

Of course yes is a powerful word, but so is no. By saying no to things that aren’t aligned with your intentions and goals, you are reinforcing and making space for what is important to you. Saying no to the things that take away from your goals creates space for them and tells the universe you are focused on them.

Because women, in particular, are programmed early on to be more docile than men — for fear of being called pushy, over- bearing, or selfish — even though, of course, they’re not (and a man would never be called any of those words!) — they often have a hard time saying no. We are just conditioned to live in the House of Yes. But we still need to spend time in the House of No. It is important to know what you need to say yes to (the things you need to do to achieve your goals) and what you need to say no to (the things that are wasting your time or taking away from those goals).

When setting your intentions and defining your goals, and when used in the right context and for the right purpose, no can be very empowering. Especially if you aren’t used to saying it. It is a firm statement and an acknowledged choice that gives you a jolt of adrenaline (which is a potent appetite suppressant, by the way).

It also means you’re fully engaged in the now.

I’ve found that many of my students have a difficult time saying no. It’s an avoidance technique that allows them to put off being honest about what they really want if they think it’s going to upset someone. There’s that fear that someone’s going to react in a bad way and that you’re going to have to deal with the repercussions of their anger; plus, you don’t want to make people upset . . . so you say yes so they’re not upset and you end up unraveling something in your day to compensate for having to take care of someone else’s needs rather than your own.

That said, there’s often a fine line to walk to ensure you’re saying no for a valid reason. You might not want to say no, but logistically, it’s just impossible to say yes. If so, try saying, “I might not be able to get to today, but how about tomorrow?” Or “I can’t do this, but how about I help you with that?”

The answer is still no in the now, but is still making clear that you are available according to both of your schedules. You’re offering alternatives, sort of the way you’d give a stubborn child the choice of three shirts to wear in the morning instead of saying, “No, you can’t wear that.”

Use your no to give someone else a choice — because what you want to avoid is falling into the trap of saying yes to please someone else, and then creating chaos in your own life as a result. This can quickly veer into martyr mode, where you’re doing things out of a sense of obligation and using that to avoid dealing with your needs and your goals. My theory is to manage both the answer yes and the answer no, without feeling guilty about either!

From Two Turns From Zero by Stacey Griffith. Copyright ? 2017 by Stacey Griffith. Reprinted by permission of William Morrow Books, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.