1998年，哈萊姆區(qū)的一棟高層建筑內(nèi),，我正站在27樓一間公寓外面的狹窄樓道里,。當(dāng)時(shí)，我是FBI紐約市危機(jī)談判小組（New York City FBI Crisis Negotiation Team）組長(zhǎng),，那一天由我作為主要談判代表,。

調(diào)查小組報(bào)告稱，至少有三名全副武裝的逃犯藏在里面,。幾天前,，這伙逃犯用自動(dòng)武器與敵對(duì)幫派進(jìn)行了一場(chǎng)槍?xiě)?zhàn)，所以在我身后安排了紐約市的FBI反恐特警組,，狙擊手也在屋頂上,，用狙擊步槍瞄準(zhǔn)了公寓的窗戶,。

在這種緊張的局勢(shì)下，傳統(tǒng)的談判建議是保持面無(wú)表情,。不要流露出任何情緒,。直到最近，大部分學(xué)術(shù)專家和研究人員,，都完全忽視了情緒在談判中的作用,。他們認(rèn)為，情緒是取得良好談判結(jié)果的障礙,。最常見(jiàn)的說(shuō)法是：“要對(duì)事不對(duì)人,。”

但我們不妨想一想：如果一個(gè)人的問(wèn)題出在情緒上,，你又如何做到對(duì)事不對(duì)人呢,？尤其是當(dāng)他們手持槍械，恐懼不安的時(shí)候,。情緒是阻礙溝通的主要障礙之一,。當(dāng)一個(gè)人對(duì)另一個(gè)人不滿時(shí)，理性思考就會(huì)被拋諸腦后,。

所以,，好的談判者不應(yīng)該否認(rèn)或者忽視情緒的存在，而是應(yīng)該識(shí)別并影響對(duì)方的情緒,。

情緒并不是成功談判的障礙,；而是談判成功的一種手段。

當(dāng)天下午,，我在哈萊姆區(qū)隔著門(mén)與公寓里的人談判了六個(gè)小時(shí),，然后三名逃犯主動(dòng)繳械投降，平靜地讓警方戴上了手銬,。在FBI任職的24年間,，我和我的團(tuán)隊(duì)曾經(jīng)成百上千次地面對(duì)這種生死攸關(guān)的局面。在這種高風(fēng)險(xiǎn)的情況下,，我們?nèi)绾稳〉煤推降慕Y(jié)果,？我們所依靠的并不是理性或者邏輯；而是我們的情商,，以及基于心理學(xué),、同理心和勸解等方面的戰(zhàn)術(shù)。

要想將情商提高到這種水平,，需要你打開(kāi)你的感官,，少說(shuō)多聽(tīng)。通過(guò)觀察和傾聽(tīng)，睜大眼睛,，豎起耳朵,，閉上嘴巴，你幾乎可以獲得你需要的所有信息 —— 甚至比對(duì)方希望你了解的信息還要多,。以下是我所總結(jié)的利用情商取得談判成功的五種技巧,，這些技巧都經(jīng)過(guò)實(shí)踐檢驗(yàn)，你可以把它們用在會(huì)議室,、餐桌或者車行,。

1. 選擇性地重復(fù)對(duì)方的用詞

向?qū)Ψ街貜?fù)其剛剛說(shuō)過(guò)的話最后一到三個(gè)單詞。這是建立關(guān)系最迅速的方式之一,，還能給對(duì)方帶來(lái)足夠的安全感,，使他們可以敞開(kāi)心扉。它的優(yōu)點(diǎn)就是簡(jiǎn)單,。所以深受人們喜愛(ài)。使用這種技巧時(shí),，再用上“深夜電臺(tái)主播”的嗓音和升調(diào)（聽(tīng)起來(lái)像是在提問(wèn)）,。這些策略可以放慢對(duì)話的節(jié)奏，讓你有更多時(shí)間去思考,。

2. 練習(xí)戰(zhàn)術(shù)性的同理心

讓對(duì)方感覺(jué)到你能夠看出他們情緒中的細(xì)微變化,。主動(dòng)指出對(duì)方的恐懼。 “聽(tīng)起來(lái)你害怕……”和“似乎你在擔(dān)心……”等短語(yǔ),，可以消除對(duì)方的戒心,。另外，列出對(duì)方可能對(duì)你說(shuō)的最惡毒的話,，在對(duì)方開(kāi)口之前自己主動(dòng)說(shuō)出來(lái),。主動(dòng)表達(dá)出對(duì)方心中對(duì)你的指責(zé)（不論這些指責(zé)有多么荒謬），而不是予以否認(rèn),，可以避免加深對(duì)方的仇恨,。

3. 給對(duì)方說(shuō)“不”的機(jī)會(huì)

被迫說(shuō)“是”會(huì)讓人產(chǎn)生抵觸心理； 他們擔(dān)心這是陷阱,。對(duì)于這種情況,，律師有一個(gè)專門(mén)的詞來(lái)形容，叫做“逼入困境”,。誰(shuí)想被逼入困境呢,？而說(shuō)“不”會(huì)讓說(shuō)話的人感覺(jué)安全，覺(jué)得一切盡在掌握,，所以要給對(duì)方創(chuàng)造機(jī)會(huì),。可以詢問(wèn)一些指向否定答案的問(wèn)題，例如： “現(xiàn)在說(shuō)話是不是不太方便,？”或者“你已經(jīng)放棄這個(gè)項(xiàng)目了嗎,？”

4. 讓對(duì)方說(shuō)出“你說(shuō)的沒(méi)錯(cuò)”

當(dāng)你讓對(duì)方相信，你了解他們的夢(mèng)想和感受時(shí),，便是談判取得突破的時(shí)刻,。通過(guò)總結(jié)和重復(fù)對(duì)方的感受和期望，讓對(duì)方給出“你說(shuō)的沒(méi)錯(cuò)”的回應(yīng),。而能夠有效觸發(fā)這種回答的總結(jié),，應(yīng)該基于驅(qū)使對(duì)方行為但對(duì)方可能尚未察覺(jué)到的感受和情感。這會(huì)產(chǎn)生一種微妙的同理心,，同時(shí)讓對(duì)方相信,，你與他們感同身受。

5. 創(chuàng)造控制錯(cuò)覺(jué)

在談判中占據(jù)主動(dòng)的秘密是,，讓對(duì)方產(chǎn)生控制錯(cuò)覺(jué),。不要試圖迫使對(duì)方承認(rèn)你是對(duì)的。提出以“如何”或“什么”開(kāi)頭的問(wèn)題,，讓對(duì)方去花費(fèi)精力思考答案,。

不管我們是否注意到，我們其實(shí)每天都在為各種各樣的事情進(jìn)行談判,，比如讓配偶多做家務(wù),，讓孩子再吃三口或者按時(shí)睡覺(jué)，延長(zhǎng)項(xiàng)目截止期限,，加薪,，提高休假工資等。事實(shí)上,，我們的職業(yè),、財(cái)務(wù)、信譽(yù),、愛(ài)情甚至孩子的命運(yùn),，都在一定程度上取決于我們的談判能力。上面的談判技巧基于情商而不是基于邏輯與理性的傳統(tǒng)方法,，通過(guò)使用這些技巧,，你肯定能在談判中占得先機(jī)。（財(cái)富中文網(wǎng)）

本文作者克里斯?佛斯是前FBI首席國(guó)際人質(zhì)綁架案談判專家,，也是黑天鵝集團(tuán)創(chuàng)始人兼CEO,，著有《像生死攸關(guān)一樣談判》一書(shū)。

本文最初發(fā)表于Time.com,。

譯者：劉進(jìn)龍/汪皓

?

It was 1998 and I was standing in a narrow hallway outside an apartment on the 27th floor of a high-rise in Harlem. I was the head of the New York City FBI Crisis Negotiation Team, and that day I was the primary negotiator.

The investigative squad had reported that at least three heavily armed fugitives were holed up inside. Several days earlier the fugitives had used automatic weapons in a shootout with a rival gang, so the New York City FBI SWAT team was arrayed behind me, and our snipers were on nearby rooftops with rifles trained on the apartment windows.

In tense situations like this, the traditional negotiating advice is to keep a poker face. Don’t get emotional. Until recently, most academics and researchers completely ignored the role of emotion in negotiation. Emotions were just an obstacle to a good outcome, they said. "Separate the people from the problem," was the common refrain.

But think about that: how can you separate people from the problem when their emotions are the problem? Especially when they are scared people with guns. Emotions are one of the main things that derail communication. Once people get upset at one another, rational thinking goes out of the window.

That’s why, instead of denying or ignoring emotions, good negotiators identify and influence them.

Emotions aren’t the obstacles to a successful negotiation; they are the means.

After six hours talking through the apartment door in Harlem that afternoon, all three fugitives surrendered peacefully, hands out first, prepared for handcuffs. How did my team and I secure a peaceful end to a high-stakes, life-or-death situation—as we had in hundreds of other cases in my 24 years with the FBI? We didn’t rely on logic or rationale; instead we used our emotional intelligence and techniques based in psychology, empathy and counseling.

Getting to this level of emotional intelligence demands opening up your senses, talking less and listening more. You can learn almost everything you need—and a lot more than other people would like you to know—simply by watching and listening, keeping your eyes peeled, your ears open and your mouth shut. Below are my top five field-tested techniques in utilizing emotional intelligence to succeed in any negotiation—whether you’re in a boardroom, at the dinner table or at the car dealership.

1. Mirror words selectively.

Repeat the last one to three words your counterpart just said back to them. This is one of the quickest ways to establish a rapport and make your counterpart feel safe enough to reveal themselves. The beauty in this is the simplicity. People love this. Use it with what I like to call the “l(fā)ate night FM DJ voice” and upward inflecting (sounds like a question). Tactics like this will slow the conversation down for you and allow you more time to think.

2. Practice tactical empathy.

Demonstrate to your counterpart that you see the nuances of their emotions. Proactively label their fears. Phrases like “It sounds like you are afraid of…” and “It looks like you’re concerned about…” go a long way in disarming them. Also, list the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before they can. Expressing—and not denying—accusations they may be harboring (no matter how ridiculous) keeps them from festering.

3. Get to a "no."

Being pushed for “yes” makes people defensive; they fear a trap. Lawyers actually have a name for this—they call it “cornering.” Who wants to be cornered? But saying “no” makes the speaker feel safe, secure and in control, so trigger it. Ask no-oriented questions, like: “Is now a bad time to talk?” and “Have you given up on this project?”

4. Trigger "that's right."

The moment you’ve convinced someone that you understand their dreams and feelings is the moment a negotiation breakthrough can happen. Trigger a “that’s right” response by summarizing and reaffirming how your counterpart feels and what they want. A great summary that will trigger a “that’s right” will be done based on feelings and passions that are driving them but that they may be blind to. This creates a subtle epiphany and simultaneously confirms that they share empathy with you.

5. Create the illusion of control.

The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is to give the other side the illusion of control. Don’t try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Ask questions, that begin with “How?” or “What?” so your opponent uses mental energy to figure out the answer.

Whether we notice it or not, we spend our days negotiating for something: for our spouse to do more housework, a child to eat just three more bites or go to bed on time, an extended deadline on a project, a salary increase, a better rate on a vacation package. In fact, our careers, finances, reputations, love lives and even the fate of our kids at some point hinge on our ability to negotiate. By using the techniques above, ones grounded in emotional intelligence, rather than the classic approaches based in logic and reason, you’re guaranteed to have the competitive edge in any discussion.

This article originally appeared on Time.com